Gra Ah Bheith Agat Ar Duine...

Recently, a couple of my good pals have discovered what I learnt a few years back. It’s painful to be the best friend.

Whoa. What a loaded remark huh? After all the kilig stories I’ve been writing…do I really wanna go there? Do I really wanna tread the path untrodden? Will I be the one brave enough to expose this? What the hey--- might as well. There’s too much hurt floating around anyway—I’m not about to stand idly by while one…two…three or more of these things happen.

Heads up. There’s this “style” that’s getting more and more popular by the year. May I call it the “best friend” syndrome? Or better yet, the BFF disease (best friends forever). Here’s the deal. There’s this unique batch of people who use this approach to befriend, get closer and ‘catch’ the girl. A few months back, I’d say this was unique only to men but then… there are some women capable of this as well it seems. In other words… they worm themselves into the affection of the person, treat them extra-special that to all others it looks like they’re a couple, when technically they’re not… AND without any declaration, laying down of intention or even just simply talking about, they assume the role of boyfriend or girlfriend but function under the title “bestfriend”. Why? Because it’s easier.

Am I being too vague? Hmm… how about this. Let’s make up some characters. I’m so sure a lot of you can relate to this so…enjoy.

Let’s call our main characters by the most common of all names--when it comes to ill-fated romance at least-- Romeo and Juliet. 

Say Romeo and Juliet start off as just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Then Romeo starts paying Juliet extra attention. He’d call, text, and hang out with her. He’d take the extra effort to get to know her friends, insinuate himself into their circle…and basically, through passage of time, be known as ‘the other half’ WITHOUT declaring to the girl how he feels or as we in church say…laid down intentions. (In the outside world, this would be called “binabakuran”.) So Juliet, despite and inspite of all others warning her to guard her heart, got betrayed by her very own DNA and genealogy…she being female, starts to fall for said Romeo. By the mere “make” of her being, got her emotions all nicely bundled and tied up to Romeo. Women are emotional creatures right? So even with the best of intentions… Juliet falls for Romeo. Have I made my point clear? The gurl falls for the guy. Quietly.

So even whilst both are declaring “we’re just best friends!” they act otherwise. Hell shall freeze over before Juliet tells Romeo how she feels—she has her pride. Gurls do NOT say things first or acts first or whatever-first. Not in the Philippines. And not in this Christian culture where she’s taught to wait patiently because it’s the guys who are to make the moves. So she goes on. Wondering if Romeo felt the same way. Assuming he did. After all, he does text everyday, the first and last text she’ll read in fact. He must like her more than a friend since he got to know all her other friends and spent more time with her than anyone else. Romeo is already making his moves after all—he just hasn’t said it in words. So she smiles quietly, happy with the thought that Romeo cares for her more than anyone and settles in. Acting like the “special one” he’s obviously marked her out to be.

On Romeo’s side, here is Juliet. A wonderful gurl who he “might” be interested in. They have lots of things in common. He likes her personality… he likes her, period. And so he’s decided to check her out… “stake” her out. Makes himself irreplaceable and inseparable to her. He texts her every time he thinks of something interesting…he’ll call her up and spend hours talking on the phone or on chat… he follows her to her gimiks…hey! He likes spending time with her… and subconsciously, at least he can make sure nobody else hounds in on what he considers as his territory. But should he say anything? Nah. Let’s be friends first and then see. So if it all goes KAPUT, no one can tell him that he misled her. AND it saves him from having to do that awful laying down of intentions. Why rock the boat? He gets to spend a lot of time with her, they’re enjoying each others company and hey…at least this way, she’s not going to expect anything, right? He can always just back off before things get too hot or personal. He’ll just check things out… right? Right.

Wrong.

Juliet, under the guise of best friend get her feelings firmly embroiled and attached to Romeo. Already she starts thinking as a “We” instead of an “I” or “Me”. (This shift in thought or evolution is so subtle that she couldn't tell when it started). People had started asking her where he is when Romeo’s not with her. People were already assuming where one is, the other is. And if the other is not there, heck, the other must know where he is. And so she does. She knows his exact schedule, who he’s with and where he’ll be. After all, doesn’t he call to tell her his schedule? Like a trustworthy planner or diary, he “logs” in at the start of the day or week. A habit has been formed.  So Juliet happily goes on…being the special one. Acting like the girl friend but not really being the girl friend. And if anyone asks, they’re just best friends.

Romeo, happy with the status quo, stakes out his territory. Making sure everyone knows “She’s mine” without having to flat out say it. He enjoys the kilig of knowing she cares for him. Happy with her concern when he’s sick or bothered. Knowing full well, she’ll be there to cheer him up, cheer him on… to listen to him when he has something to say… and just basically be there when he needed her. He’d be the same way with her! He’ll rush over when she calls. Be there to comfort her and just listen when she wants to share something. He likes being her favorite. And if anyone asks, they’re just friends…best friends.

And so the farce continues. Til the time comes when Juliet suddenly, as women only know how, starts to sense a difference. The frequency of his texts starts abating. He suddenly becomes too busy… and doesn’t want to hang out anymore. He takes his time replying to texts or returning calls. And as women only know how…she knew. That Romeo was interested in someone else.

And so Juliet starts to hurt. Quietly, she cries inside. But can she talk about it? No. Because after all, TECHNICALLY, they were just best friends. They’re just ‘barkada’. She deals with it quietly…only confiding in her other best friends. She bleeds inside but she doesn’t go to the hospital. She has to continue acting like the best friend. Heaven forbid that he finds out NOW of all times, how she really feels about him. Slowly and surely, she patches up her heart with micropore tape and puts up a brave front. She creates her own distance from him. Still acting as a best friend would but consciously, pulling back some of her time. Some of her attention. Romeo never says anything, but she knows there’s another gurl.

Finally she stops speculating. Only because she had facts. It’s true. It got verified. There is someone else. And so the hurt bursts anew but she buries it. Firmly. Fiercely. She will not break. She will not show. Juliet will not let Romeo know how much he’s hurting her. She does her best to harden her heart. And strives her utmost to win the Oscars—she will act like she’s never acted before. She’ll be the best friend…even if it kills her. And in the process, gather in all her other friends for support as she plans to put on the act of her life.

Sounds familiar? Yeah well—I’ve been hearing stories like this right and left. Ofcourse, there will be minute differences but basically, they’re all the same. And it’s unfortunately happening all over the place. Can something be done about it? Well, yes. Something is being done. AFTER the fact. It’s after the gurls (and some guys) heart is broken that they realize the truth behind the warning “Guard your heart”. And from thereon in, swear to themselves that they’ll never be that stupid again. Basically, this means there are a LOT of hurting people in church. And I mean a LOT.

I can’t count on my two hands anymore, the number of  people who has told and shared this same exact story with me the past few years. And I’ll be honest. It also happened to me. So I really know what I’m talking about.

Guys—if you’re guilty of doing this to a girl. Let me tell you…you may be technically scot-free from blame when you break her heart because you never laid down your intentions…BUT!!! You are so totally guilty of this little thing we call DEFRAUDING. If you make her feel she is more special to you than she really is…if you start treating her like a girlfriend…if you spend more than the normal amount of time with her… AND if you consciously or SUBconsciously start marking her as your territory (in other words—if you start making her “bakod”) you are ensnaring her affection and emotions unfairly. You are fooling her. No matter how hard the gurls will try…emotions will get caught… feelings will get involved.You are, as the unknowing or worst, KNOWing defrauder playing the bad-dest trick in the book with her…you are gambling with her heart.

Seriously. Be aware. Be conscious. Please. The gurls are getting hurt. And it takes years for us to trust again. To heal.

Guys. I know who you are. You know who you are. Do I have to call you out?! If you like her. Say it. What’s hard about telling her “Hey, can I court you?”. Heck, if she says no, what’d you lose by it? But if she says yes… then what the hey! Go for it! And if she says yes, and you end up falling flat on your arse… dude. You’re a man. Get up and try again. With her or someone else. But be honest. Be upfront. Don’t use this stupid and cheap “STYLE” of best-friending her. Be a man for crying out loud.

Gurls. I know. You KNOW I know. All I can offer you is a big hug…and a shoulder to cry on if you want. If you recognize this situation… and you’re still waiting for him to say something… stop it. Stop waiting and do something. You take the reins and ask him what’s going on. I know we’re taught to sit in the pot and wait… but hell…will you wait for years? Will you keep hurting silently? Up to you, really. All I can offer is a hug and a listening ear. And if I know the guy who’s doing that to you, just give me the go ahead…I’ll bonk him on the head for you :D

For my guy pals… for those of you who listened to me and were brave enough to realize the importance of laying down your intentions…I applaud you. YOU show how you care for the gurl by being open and honest about your actions. You showed courage. You are protecting her from misunderstanding you, from speculation and from ‘not knowing’. YOU acted like a man. :)

Now why’d I do this? Why’d I write this blog? Because I can no longer be silent as I watch certain guys get away with this trick time and again. Everytime I hear another gurl share her story with me…and I recognize the Romeo and Juliet in them, my heart bleeds for the gurl. At least this way, I can do something.

As certain ad-slogans go… “AWARENESS IS EVERYTHING”.

My prayer? For hearts to heal. For people to be aware. For the guys to realize there’s nothing hard about talking to the girls about their intentions. For gurls not to be duped into this situation. And maybe…for the pastors, not just cell leaders, to take things in hand and really talk about this. It’s already too rampant. In each gurl singles cell, I’m guessing there are at LEAST one or two who have this very same story happen to them. Not just in Fort--- I hear these stories come from Galleria and QC even. Something has to change and something has to stop. Somehow.